


Frozen

by Little_Red



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, possible trigger warnings, talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:59:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10095824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Red/pseuds/Little_Red
Summary: Reader shuts down every winter, until one day she finally freezes over.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was wrote for a birthday/song challenge, that I wrote August 2016. And I realized that I forgot to post it on here. My song was I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light by Brand New. And since this was my first time writing a fic based off of a song, I didn’t know how to approach it, I had a different idea in mind, but once I read the lyrics, it just took off on it’s on. There’s a few movie and tv show references in here, see if you can spot them!…. and that wasn’t intentional at first but then I just ran with it. 
> 
> My Tumblr: @ little-red-83

_The time has come for colds and overcoats._  
_We’re quiet on the ride,_  
 _we’re all just waiting to get home._  
 _Another week away, my greatest fear._

As the season changed, I changed with it. I grew colder and more distant with each passing day, until the day I pretty much stopped talking altogether. I could see Sam and Dean giving me concerned looks as we drove to the next hunt, but I just ignored them as I continued staring out the window.  I just wanted to go home, away from the snow and what came with it. I tended to get like this every winter, as the cold winds blew in bitter memories of my desolate life.  This would be my first winter with the brothers, so they had no idea of the looming storms ahead.

When we reached the motel, I stayed in the impala with Sam while Dean got us rooms.  I grew more tense and distant as the blizzard blew in, assaulting my mind with a myriad of memories, each one worst than the last. Once Dean handed me my room key, I  grabbed my bag and took off for the safety of my room, ignoring the muffled shout from Sam, knowing that the wind had stolen my name from his lips, flinging it out for the storm to devour.  

Once in my room, I dropped my bag and flopped on the bed, closing my eyes as the memories washed over me, making my soul ache and causing silent tears to snake down my face.

_I remembered being in the car when I was 10, during a blizzard and feeling it spin out of control. I remembered the horrible pain, the smell of smoke and burning flesh. And the smell of blood. I remember seeing the lifeless eyes of my mother and little sister staring at me, their bodies broken beyond repair.  I remembered the broken leg, with the bone protruding from my flesh and the large shards of glass that had pierced me all over. I remember the cold that seeped in through all my various cuts as I lay trapped in the car, a cold that made my bones ache. I remembered how the snow settled all around me, coating the car and smothering all the sounds from the outside world, leaving me isolated and alone in the car, with two sets of unseeing eyes staring at me._

I gasped when the knock rang through the stillness of the room, tearing me from my thoughts. I quickly struggled up, wiping the tears away before opening the door and seeing Cas, Sam and Dean standing outside, the latter two bundled up against the cold.

“Y/N?” Cas asked in his familiar gravelly voice, “Are you alright?”

“I’m fined Cas,” I replied tersely, trying to be as pleasant as possible. “I just don’t like winter.”

“Who does?” Dean joked, smiling at me. I gave him a tense smile back, before noticing the second angel that was there, hanging back from the rest of us.

“Hello Gadreel.” I acknowledged him briefly, a ghost of s smile fleeing across my lips, before looking at the rest of them. “What do you want?”

“We are going to get something to eat, and you are coming with us.” Sam said.

“I’m not hungry.” I replied, before closing the door in their faces. “Please go away.”

I could hear Dean swearing and Sam trying to shush him “Maybe she just needs some alone time.” he said.

“I need sleep.” I yelled through the door “Now go away.” I heard a flutter of wings and sighed, turning around to face the angel who was now standing behind me.

“Go away Cas, please.. just let me sleep.” I pleaded, as I pushed past him and dug out a men’s T-Shirt and a pair of sweat pants.

I heard another flutter and breathed a sigh of relief before turning around and seeing Cas still there, and that Gadreel had joined him.

“Great” I muttered, then I noticed that Gadreel was staring intently at my hand, the hand that was clutching my sweats and T-Shirt to my chest.. Gadreel’s T-shirt to be exact, I tossed the clothes on the bed before crossing my arms. “What do you want?” I asked them, my eyes darting between the two angels.

“We are all worried about you.” Sam hollered through the door, and I sighed.

“Ok look everyone. I’m fine.” I said through gritted teeth, “I just want to sleep and then I will be better in the morning.”

Cas looked unsure but finally nodded and left through the door. I could hear him whispering something to Dean but I ignored it as I looked at Gadreel. The angel I had fallen in love with but could never be with.

“I’m fine Gadreel, honestly.” I told him, biting my lip as I looked into his eyes. Gadreel stepped towards me, glancing over his shoulder at the three sets of eyes that were watching us.

“I know that you are lying” he whispered to me as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, frowning when I flinched slightly. “But I will let it go for now because I know that you are not ready to talk about it, Ok?”

I nodded, smiling slightly at the beautiful angel. “Thank you” I whispered as he turned to go. Gadreel stopped and looked back at me.

“Enjoy my shirt.” he added “I hope it helps bring you some peace.” I nodded mutely at him as the door closed.

I dropped down to the floor, clutching the worn shirt that I had swiped from Gadreel’s room. The shirt did help, knowing that it was his helped to comfort me and keep the nightmares at bay, most of the time. The wind picked up outside and I shivered, getting up and stumbling quickly to the bathroom, hoping the shower would help chase away the coldness that was consuming my body and soul.

****

_I need the smell of summer,_ _  
I need its noises in my ears._

I dreamed. And I remembered.

I remembered being found by passing motorists, and then the sounds of sirens piercing the air. I remember having to lie there while they cut me free. I remember hearing someone saying that it was amazing that I lived. I remember my dad screaming about my mother and sister. I remember being alone in a hospital room while my small body fought against the hypothermia and infection that threatened to overtake it. I remembered the loneliness that I felt as I stayed in the hospital for the rest of the winter, having to undergo several surgeries. I remember only seeing a frozen, dead park out of my window, and no one to distract me from the view. No one who ever came to visit me. I remember getting out in the spring, once all the snow had melted and my dad’s hardened heart softened a bit, and he remembered that I was his daughter, the one who lived. I remember watching him fall into depression and drinking as winter set in. I remember the hate filled words he tossed at me as he blamed me for the death of his wife and baby girl. I remember the day the abuse started, on the anniversary of their deaths.

I remember the constant rollercoaster ride of emotions that consumed my father from then on, I remember how it all screeched to a halt every spring, while he still drank and seethed with anger, he kept it inward and the abuse stopped until winter set in, then it would all start over again.

I remember hating the winter, and craving the taste of spring, when everything got better. I remembered when I was twelve, how my father had picked me up by the front of my shirt and snarled that he wished that I had died instead, before throwing me across the room and into a wall. I remember getting up and running out into the frozen night before he could get a hold of me. I remembered praying to die in the frozen wilderness, only to be found by a truck driver who said he would drive me to the nearest hospital. I remember the figure standing in the middle of the road. I remembered the crunch of glass as the truck rolled. I remember how he screamed when something pulled him out of the cab of the truck. I remember screaming as something dragged me out too, sharp teeth flashing in the night. I remember the creature screaming as something bit into its neck, separating it’s head from its body. I remember seeing a gruff older man telling me to “run kid” while pointing towards a car. I remember boys around my age beckoning me towards the car. I remembered running off into the woods. I remembered sneaking onto a train and going to California. I remembered living on the streets and in shelters, working odd jobs and being relieved that I was away from the cold. I remembered working in a diner and saving up money. I remembered meeting my boyfriend when I turned eighteen. I remembered falling in love, only to find out that he was a mean abusive drunk. I remember trying to run, and being knocked out. I remember waking up cold, locked in a remote cabin out in the snowy woods. I remembered the abuse, I remembered what happened every time I tried to run away. I remembered the monsters that killed him and the man who saved me. The same man who saved me last time. He was gruff but he taught me what I needed to know to survive in this world of monsters and men. And he never stopped me when I set out on my own, having his own problems to deal with. I remember meeting his sons when I came looking for him, having to finally leave the warmer areas when I realized that I was being hunted by the vampire that I had escaped from when I was twelve, the same on who had killed my boyfriend. I remember hearing that he was dead, on that cold snowy day. I remember the cold ache that never really went away, he had been like a father to me. I remember leaving but the brothers finding me again and again, until I finally decided to stay and hunt with them. I remember that bitterly cold day when I received news that my father had drank himself to death two years ago. I remember how the cold ache had spread. I remembered my cold lonely life and wished that I had died that day, twenty years ago. I remembered cold dead eyes staring at me accusingly, silently agreeing with me…

I woke up in a sweat, shaking as the cold finally consumed me.

****

I sat quietly at breakfast, drinking coffee and pushing my eggs around on my plate, ignoring the two men and angels who kept staring at me.

“Let’s go get this hunt over with.” I finally said, unable to stand the stares.

“Y/N..” Dean started but I glared at him, cutting him off.

“I just really need to kill something.” I pleaded, glancing at Gadreel who was watching me with concern.

Dean sighed, “Ok, let’s go.” he grumbled as he got up.

I silently followed him, the others following me, their concerned gazes burning into my back. I climbed into the backseat and found myself sandwiched between Cas and Gadreel. Normally I would have been thrilled to be so close to Gadreel, but the coldness had numbed me to everything.

****

It didn’t take long to piece it all together, it was a trap. For the Winchesters and for me. A demon and my vampire, working together, each knowing that we had to be separated in order to be killed. Which is how I found myself locked into my motel room, with wards, salt and weapons all around me, while everyone else tried to lure the monsters away with a trap of their own.

I knew it wouldn’t work. There was only one way to end it all. I left a note on the bed, and stole a car, driving away into the cold, dark night.

****

“Well that sucked.” Dean groused as they pulled up to the motel, the trap had failed, so they never found the real lair where the vamp and demon had holed up in.

“Poor Y/N” Sam said as he got out of the car, “She won’t exactly be thrilled about this.”

Dean snorted “Really Sammy? When exactly is Y/N thrilled? Or happy? She is the most cold, sullen, distant person that I have ever met.”

Sam chuckled “Yeah she isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. Hell these past few days she’s been downright glacial.”

“Ya” Dean agreed “What’s up with that? Normally being around Gadreel makes her smile a little, but now… it’s like everything that made Y/N Y/N is gone and only a shell of herself remains.”

“I agree.” Cas spoke up “It’s like the light went out in Y/N’s eyes.”

Gadreel was already heading towards Y/N room, a bad feeling settling over him. Cas, Sam and Dean followed him.

“SHIT!” Dean cursed when he say the empty room, devoid of any sign of a struggle.

“Dean!” Sam called out, holding up the note, “She’s gone.” he looked back down at the letter. “This is her goodbye.”

“What does it say?” Gadreel asked quietly, as he wondered why you left. Something told him that the letter held all the answers.

Dean reached over and plucked the letter from Sam’s hands, interrupting his silent reading. Sam scowled at Dean but kept quiet as he started to read the letter out loud.

_“Winchesters and Angels”_ Dean started _“I am sorry to leave like this, but it is for the best. I’ve reached the end of my road. I’m so cold, that’s all that I feel. A bone numbing, soul crushing coldness. A coldness that has been slowly eating away at me for the last twenty years. I should have died that day. I should have died in the snow and ice. It’s not fair that I lived and they died. It should have been me. All those people who died when it should have been me, I can’t keep going on, more people will die if I keep on living._

_I know where the vamp is. I will go end it. I will go end everything._

_Tell Gadreel that his shirt is on the bed, and that it did help bring me so peace. Tell Cas that I appreciated everything he did to help me. And Sam, Dean… thank you for taking me in. I wanted to run to you the first day that we met, but I was scared I would get you killed as well, so I ran the other way instead. As_ _I am running now, because I couldn’t bear to see any of you killed because of me, I only bring death._

_Goodbye_

_Y/N Y/L/N_

Dean fell silent as the letter ended, and looked over at Sam, who was sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, while Cas had his eyes closed at the weight of her words, and Gadreel looked absolutely crestfallen. "What did she mean when she said ‘when she met us the first time?’ We only met her last spring.”

“Wait a minute… what did she write down as her last name?” Sam asked “Y/L/N?, Right?”

Dean glanced down at the letter in his hands, the letter that sounded more like a suicide note. “Uh yea… Y/L/N… wait.. why does that sound so familiar?”

Sam jumped to his feet “Because that name is in Dad’s journal!” he exclaimed before running out of the room, into their room next door. A moment later he was back, with the said journal in his hands. “I always wondered what this meant.” he muttered as he searched through the book.

“Here!” Sam said before reading from the journal “Met Y/L/N again today. Almost didn’t recognize the kid, aside from the eyes. Eyes that have seen too much in such a short time. I remembered the cold resignation that dulled the glow of her eyes, haunting eyes that I could never forget. When I saved her this time, it was from the same vamp that was after her before, during that blizzard so many years ago. I took her in, showed her how to fight, to at least give her a chance in life. It’s what Mary would have done.”

Sam looked up at Dean “I remember her, Vamps had attacked a trucker, and killed him, went in after her but dad arrived just in time to save her. He told her to run for the car, where we were, and instead she ran into the woods.” he reminded Dean.

“We looked for her all night, and the rest of the next day. We never found her.” Dean said slowly. “Why didn’t she say anything about this before?”

“Wait!” Sam said, as he spotted your laptop and journal “What is this?” he pulled out the worn newspaper clippings that had been sticking out of the journal.

“Ten year old alive after being stranded in a totaled car.” he read out loud “Ten year old Y/N Y/L/N was found by passing motorists early Sunday morning, she had been trapped in an over turned car overnight, with the bodies of her mother and little sister, who perished when the car flipped over.”

“That explains why she feels guilty for living.” Cas said quietly as he came over to look at the rest of journal.

Sam looked up at Dean, shock on his face “This newspaper article is from here. Y/N is from here, her mom and sister died just on the other side of town, on a back country road.” he exclaimed.

“Why didn’t she say anything?” Dean grumbled, regret on his face “I wouldn’t have made her come here.”

“I’d assume that’s the reason that she didn’t tell you.” Sam replied, making Dean scowl at him.

“What’s this?” Cas asked, picking up a slightly crumpled letter. Sam took it and looked it over.

“It’s a letter, a series of letters actually.” he said as he picked up a few more. “No.. they are printouts of emails. The first one to inform Y/N that her father died, and the second one is from Y/N, stating that she 'didn’t care that the miserable, abusive drunk who blamed her for her mother and little sisters deaths had died.’ and so on. Apparently they wanted her to come clean out his room or something.”

“Geez, no wonder she was so cold and distant, I don’t blame her after all of this” Dean muttered “But none of this explains where she went. And what exactly she is going to do.”

“I think we all know what she is planning on doing Dean.” Sam snapped, throwing the letters down. “She is planning on killing the vamp and probably herself in the process.”

“No..” Gadreel whispered “She’s hurting. I can hear her calling for me.”

Dean tossed his phone to Gadreel “Go. Text us your location.”

Gadreel nodded and left in a flutter of wings.

****

_I wrote more postcards than hooks._   
_I read more maps than books._   
_Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took._

_Every minute is a mile._   
_I’ve never felt so hallow._   
_I’m an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles._   
_My secrets for a buck._   
_Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage._

I entered the barren structure, the place I had chose to lure the vamp out. I chose this location because it was where my parents had gotten married, many years ago, but which now sat lonely and abandoned. I set demon traps over every point of entry in the old church, and then sat with my machete, waiting for them to find me.

Which didn’t take long, they had been tracking me for hours, giving me a false sense of security while they played their little game. The demon easily avoided all the devils traps, except for the one in the middle of the isle, the one that I had made using oil.  Once he was trapped, he raged while The Vamp slowly circled me, eyeing me and my machete up.

“Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?” he questioned me as he continued to circle me.

“No” I replied softly “I just know the one thing that I can do that will keep you from winning this game. Something that I should have done a long time ago.”

“And what is that?” he smirked at me, seemingly amused with my defiance.

“This.” I retorted quietly, before raising the machete and stabbing myself in my stomach, letting out a hiss as the blade tore through skin, muscle and bones, before twisting it and pulling it out, only to stab myself a second time, feeling organs rip and tear in my body, stuff that should never rip or tear.

The Vamp could only stare in shock, his teeth coming out and snarls emanating from his throat as I fell to the old dusty floor, my life pouring out of my body.

“Bitch!” He snarled as he jumped towards me “Killing you was supposed to be my jo-”

He never finished his sentence as his head lit up with pure white angel grace. Gadreel stood behind him, breathing heavily as The Vamps’ body fell to the ground.

“Why?” Gadreel cried, dropping down beside me as I gasped for breath.

“B…b…be..because it was the only..only way. He had turned this into a game, o..on..on.ee that he did not..t wantTtt to end. T..Th..This ennDddedD the game for him.. ii..fff if I dieddd.. hee llosst.. and he’d stop killing so so many p..puh…people t-t-to lur-lure m-m-me ou-oout.” I stuttered breathlessly, as my vision started to darken and breathing became too hard to do.

“And I..I..fuh…fin.ally get what I desereve…duh…death.”  I gasped out as Cas, Sam and Dean showed up. “Kuh…hillLLing my..my..myself was the on..only soultion.”

I coughed up some blood before gasping out “I’m sorry. Maybe I will find peace n..n..ow..now. Goo…d…Goodbye.”

****

I woke up on the couch of my living room, the one I used to lie on with my sister as we watched Disney movies.

“Y/N!” my sisters voice screeched at me “You’re here!! I missed you so much!”

I suddenly found myself sitting on the couch with my baby sister latched onto my neck as she laughed and cried. I closed my eyes and hugged her back, missing her hugs and infectious laughter. “Chrissy!” I cried, hugging her tighter.

“Y/N” I heard a soft voice say, and looking up, I saw my mother come into the living room. I quickly hopped up, running to hug my mom, my sister letting me go long enough to hug our mother before latching on to us both.

“Y/N?” I heard another voice say, and looking up, I saw my dad come into the room, The smiling happy dad that I remembered, not the stumbling drunk who blamed me for living.

“Daddy?” I breathed, walking over to him hesitantly. “What.. what are you doing here?”

“I am so sorry honey… that wasn’t me… not all of the time…” he explained as he cried “It was a demon… a demon who liked to torture people, and with us, he got to torture me and you. Whenever he left… I drank to forget, but when he came back…. I’m sorry baby.”

“He only came because of the way I handled the aftermath of the accident. My grief and anger was like a beacon to him.” he sobbed.

I burst into tears before embracing my him “It’s alright daddy, I forgive you. I love you. I love all of you. We are finally together again!”

I stepped away from my dad, smiling at my family. My family who were all exchanging looks.

“Sweetie” my mom said, stepping forward “You don’t belong here. It’s not your time. You have to go back.”

“No!” I cried out, stepping away from them. “I want to stay here, with you! I’m all alone in the world.”

“Honey” my mom soothed me “I know many horrible things have happened to you, but look at your life: John was like a father to you. Sam and Dean are like brothers to you, as is Castiel. And Gadreel? Honey… that angel loves you something fierce. You can’t leave any of them.”

“But… I don’t know how to be loved.. or love” I whispered “I’m unloveable.”

“Y/N” my mother said sharply “YOU are the one who allowed your heart to freeze over. It was easier than feeling. But look at what it did to you! It’s time you unthawed your heart and feel again.”

“But… I killed you!” I sobbed out, as my frozen emotions finally burst forth.

“Y/N!” my mother gave me a little shake “You did not, It was late, it was dark out and there was a blizzard. It was an accident. The trucker? A monster killed him, and all those other people were also killed by monsters. You did not kill anyone my darling daughter.”

I stopped crying and looked at her as her words sunk in. She was right. I had been carrying the blame for stuff that was not my fault and that I had no control over. I made myself into what I became.

“I would do it all differently if I could.” I whispered, as I hugged my mom. I smiled when I felt my sister and dad step in, making it a family hug.

“You can darling, it’s time for you to go back,” My mom said gently as they all hugged me goodbye. “We love you but it’s not your time yet. Go, be free of the dark and cold. Step into the light, and remember that we will always love you.”

“And Y/N?” Chrissy looked at me “I will wait as long as it takes, I don’t care. Our movies and games will be here when it’s time for you to come back.”

I cried and pulled Chrissy into my arms “I love you little sis” I whispered into her hair “I love you all…Please don’t make me leave…. please….”

I woke up on the floor on the church, cold but alive. I sat up quickly, glancing around for my family. “Mom? Dad? Chrissy?” I called out frantically.

“They are not here Y/N” Cas told me gently as he knelt in front of me “They are up in heaven.”

“Why am I not up there with them?” I asked, glancing over at Gadreel, who was gripping my hand tightly.

“Because it wasn’t your time.” he responded “How do you feel?”

I looked down at the goose-bumps which littered my arms and wiggled my frozen toes, I was cold… but cold like a normal person.. Closing my eyes, I breathed in the scent of falling snow. “I feel….. alive.”

I scrambled to my feet, with Gadreel’s help, before launching myself at Cas and hugging him tightly. “Thank you Cas… you are like a brother to me.” Cas stood awkwardly still before he gave me a brief hug back.

I then turned to Sam and Dean, hugging each of them in turn.“Your dad was like a father too me. And he told me so much about each of you and how proud he was, even if he didn’t show it. You two are my brothers, whether you like it or not.”

Sam smiled “What happened to her?” he questioned, looking at Dean “She’s like a whole new person.”

I smiled at him “Spring finally came.” I explained “And the ice melted.”

I laughed at their confused faces “I will explain everything soon.” I assured them, before turning to Gadreel.

“Gadreel…. I love you. I love you like no one has ever loved another person. And I can’t keep it in anymore… you are my reason for mrfmka…”

Gadreel kissed me, stealing the words from my mouth, kissing me with a passion that I didn’t know an angel could possess.

He broke the kiss after Dean awkwardly coughed in an attempt to break us apart. Gadreel rested his head against mine. “I love you. I love you on your good days and your bad days.”

“What happened to her?” Dean wondered out loud as he watched me with Gadreel.

“I think she found the closure that she needed in her Heaven.” Cas said, watching me closely.

“I did.” I agreed, hugging Gadreel, before I looked at  the rest of the boys. “Now I need to find a demon named Zuul. I have a score to settle.”

“Why? What score?” Dean asked, looking concerned.

“He made my father into what he became.” I explained, “He possessed him. Drove him to drink and beat me. It was never my father doing that… not really… And he was only possessed at certain times of the year, during the demons 'winter vacation’…. that’s why my dad stopped the abuse during the warmer months… he drank to forget while the demon went off to torture some other family.”

“Who told you that?” Dean demanded skeptically.

“My parents did. I saw them…. I was dead, was I not?” I asked, looking at each man in turn.

“Ya you were dead” Sam snapped “You killed yourself!”

“I had to distract him enough so Gadreel could kill him!” I explained, blinking back tears “I knew that there was a chance that I could die before Gadreel or Cas saved me. But it was a chance that I was willing to take in order to end this bloody game.”

Sam’s face softened as he looked me, before pulling me into a hug “You scared us.” he murmured into my hair, before he let me go.

“That was a damn fool thing to do Y/N” Dean said gruffly as he hugged me again.

“I’m sorry.” I told them all again, “I’m so sorry.”

“Just don’t do that again.” Gadreel pleaded, wrapping his arms around me, “I can’t lose you.”

“I would never.” I promised, leaning back into Gadreel’s embrace but aiming my words at everyone.

“Let’s go home.” Sam suggested, as he headed towards the doors.

“Let’s.” I agreed, following Cas and Dean, while holding on to Gadreel’s hand. I  side stepped the vamp and demons body on the way out, and I left without looking back once, ready to start really living my life.

As we walked to the impala, I took in all the falling snow, finally finding the beauty in it, and then I had an idea, something that I hadn’t done since before the accident.

“Hey boys” I called out “Can we build a snowman later?”


End file.
